Dream Journal
I was pregnant and could feel the baby kicking inside me. I was lying in a hospital bed, and B stood beside me coaching me through some contractions. All of a sudden I felt a pressure on my vagina and knew it was the baby coming out. I told B that it was too late for breathing exercises and pushed the baby out.
I held my baby girl and breastfed her. She turned into my dog Lacey and would not stay lying still on her back in my arms. She wiggled until she was upright on my lap, then chewed on my nipple with her molars. It didn’t hurt.
I was in the passenger’s seat of a moving vehicle. The driver (I never saw his/her face) told me that my dad had two other brothers that I didn’t know about. I asked why I had never heard of them, and this person told me that my grandmother had cheated on my grandfather for many years. It was a long time ago, and she wanted to hide her sin.
Themes: Dad
B and I were standing in the lobby of a hotel. In front of us were four elevator doors in a line, numbered 1-4. Numbers 2, 3, and 4 opened and other people filed into them. I started to follow them, but then realized that they only went to the 8th floor: elevator #1 went to the 14th floor.
Since B and I wanted to see the view from the tower, we waited for elevator #1 to open its doors. I jumped inside and wedge my body in-between the closing doors to hold it open for B. He barely made it inside.
Themes: Hotel
B had married Melody in the middle of the night. He and I were lying in bed, both of us naked under the covers. He told me that his shrink thought that he and Melody were a bad match. His psychologist thought that he and I were a much better match because we were best friends. B remarked that was funny, and I knew that he liked Melody better than me.
I was furious with him and told him to get out of the bed, out of the apartment. I told him to leave and not come back - he would not use me any more.
Themes: B
There was some church function going on at my apartment. I was sitting on the toilet and had a little tiny poop sticking out of my anus when I noticed a woman standing at the bathroom door looking horrified. I realized that I had forgotten to close the door - I was used to being home alone.
I quickly pulled my pants up (a pair of B’s black sweat pants) in order to downplay the embarrassment of the situation and make the woman think nothing of it.
Out in the living room, I mingled with the church members until I found a time and place where I could discretely reach into the back of my sweat pants and wipe away the offending poo with a cream colored napkin.
I held the poopy napkin in my hand while I made my way towards the trash to throw it away. I hoped no one could see it or smell it like I could.
Themes: Toilet
I was on my dad’s fishing boat with him and my mom when a very long, skinny boat comes up beside us and ties up to us. A woman stepped off the skinny boat onto our deck and talks to Dad. Mom and I were in the cabin looking through the window of the door at them.
The woman, short and dirty—she hadn’t had a shower in a few weeks—handed my father some money, and he gave her a plastic bag. I knew that he just sold her drugs right in front of us.
I rushed onto deck and yell at him for being a drug dealer. I told him that he was a horrid person and how much I hated him. He blew up and threatened me with physical harm; I knew he would hurt me. I thought about calling the Coast Guard, but realize that he would hear me trying to use the radio. I realized that we were stranded on the ocean with him and there was no way to get help.
Themes: Dad
Dad was yelling at me, coming towards me forcefully to grab me. I was in my parents’ bedroom, and my mom was lying in bed. I asked for her to help me, but she didn’t move. Dad cornered me and I sunk to the floor between the edge of the bed and the wall.
He grabbed my arms and pushed me up against a wall on the other side of the bedroom - I knew the headboard of their bed was right on the other side. I wanted to scream, but couldn’t. I needed help. I became so angry with him that I spit curse words at him, which only made him angrier.
I walked through a room and saw Pam sitting in one corner of the room on a long bench. She had pulled her legs up around her and I could tell she had been crying even though she wasn’t currently. After a moment of indecision, I waved for her to follow me through a swinging door near where she was sitting.
She followed me into a park outside with tall green trees. We babysat some children together.
Themes: Pam & Tina
I was in the kitchen at my office with Josh Garvey doing dishes. I knew I was married to B, and I knew that Josh wanted to kiss me but wouldn’t because of B. I was very free with touching Josh while I did the dishes. At one point, he held me away at arms length. I grabbed his cheeks and pulled him close for a very sensual kiss. I thought that he kissed exactly like B, which comforted me.
Mom had adopted a little toddler girl, and I took her everywhere with me. She had soft blonde curls and wore a lot of dresses. We were in a warehouse with Damon, and I watched her walk here and there, touching everything. I loved her a lot. I picked her up and she kissed me on the cheek.
Then I was at church waiting for Tina’s wedding to start. Everyone in the wedding party was still dressed in jeans and t-shirts, and they did practice runs while the audience waited.
I had a plate of food and was sitting in the very back row with high school friends. Loren said something about needing a Squirt, reaching for his soda. I made a sexual joke about the name of his soda and him needing some semen. Ryan stood a bit away from the group trying to get our full attention - he was singing, or dancing, or something similar. He was very funny.